Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Coming Out of the Erotic Closet

When I came out to my parents, I did it the worst way possible: ANGRY. I think part of me felt that coming from such a homophobic society and my having so many resentments at the time, going in so many directions, I guess I didn’t even know I could do it another way. And if someone had presented the better way, I’m not so sure I would have. I learned in some wonderful books by LGBT folks later, that there are much better ways to come out: with love and telling your loved ones you want a close relationship with them, that’s why you’re coming out.

 Well, I like to think the way I’m coming out about my sexual life is the total opposite of that. For one thing, it’s taking for-E-ver! But I see now there’s been progress.

 It’s amazing how as life goes on, some of our dreams and ideas go forgotten by the wayside, until something happens to remind us.

 Only after I posted some erotic still and video images of myself on an “adult community” website, did I recall I’d been wanting for years to be something of a “porn star” but in my own way, on my on terms, and with my own unique intentions and creative visions.

 I remembered I even had a friend who shared a similar vision, only she (now he) wanted to film me and I wanted to act. This was when I was in my mid 20s. Now in my mid 40s I recall this.

 I am interested in using sexuality for expressing love and creativity. Sex as a healing force, and as I create for myself, without many years of study of Tantric, Taoist or other practices, except as occur naturally and organically, with little efforting.

 I find that even with little study, I naturally come across information that the average persun doesn’t have. I am discovering that although I’m not trying to nor interested in being a “sex coach”, I am still somehow becoming a teacher, and I’ve always been a healer, though first of myself and then of my lovers in one way or another.

 Over the years, I’ve created a name: Amrita Waterfalls, a blog, a YouTube post about Amrita Waterfalls, a Facebook profile for Amrita Waterfalls, images, video, and writings.

 About a month ago, I activated a complete profile of Amrita Waterfalls on this “adult community” website wherein I included still and video images of me as well as several writings on my beliefs about sexuality, in addition to what I’m erotically inclined to.

 The amount of feedback was overwhelming and positive. At least about my physical presence. A small amount of people really dug what I was doing spiritually and said so. This, plus the inordinate amount of time I spent working on this project, told me I wasn’t being as effective as I’d like. I wasn’t having as much joy as I’d like, frankly, and that also told me it was time to find another venue.

 I looked to my hera/shero/mentor(s) Betty Dodson’s website and saw what Betty and her business/creative partner Carlin Ross were doing and how. I was intrigued and planted in my mind their business model, particularly of creating and making videos available for sale to view from their website.

 I went to the website because aside from my other teacher Barbara Carrellas, she so comes from love with her work about sexuality, spirituality and polyamorous relationships.

 I’m not ready right now to create a website to sell my erotic videos. And I closed that account on that “adult community” website.

 What I am ready to do is what I’m doing now: talking about it and letting you know that more is on the way.

 I am ready to speak more of the way sexuality feeds creativity.

 For instance, after a particularly hot date I write for days on end and am energized to give as much to the world of my creative love as I did in the bedroom otherwise. There really is no separation.

 I remember once a friend said to me in the recording studio, “Wow, you sound like you’d have great orgasms!” I said to her, “Is there such a thing as bad orgasm?” :-)

 When I sing I want sexual energy to be heard in my voice, as an element of comfort and as a source of life and healing. I want people to be inspired by the sensuality of my song and my writing to sit a little straighter, smile a little brighter, be a little tougher, a little softer, a little sweeter, a little lovelier, a little more generous, a little more confident.

 I want people to think of flower petals opening, trains going into tunnels, ripe mangoes being sucked from their strong fibrous peels, and all things original, unique, trite or even mundane but to do with sensuality. I want people to want to pick something up and write.

Make yourself a beautiful day!
Cassendre Xavier
(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls)
"renaissance negresse & ARTrepreneur"
(musician/writer/actress/fine artist)
Award-winning founder & director of the Black Women's Arts Festival, and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series
6 CDs at CD Baby:
2 CDs on iTunes:
Wisdom Magazine articles:
Official YouTube Channel:
New website coming soon!
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