Sunday, March 1, 2015

Why Masturbation Helps You Choose Better Lovers

Dear Sexy People,

In my new Wisdom Magazine article "Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Supplying Your Own Needs" (, I include the importance of self-pleasuring to keep you satisfied and your vision and judgement clear enough to come (pun intended) from a place of abundance rather than lack, and joyful anticipation rather than need.
 The key is to feel "I would love...(to be with someone, etc.)" rather than "I need" or "I wish I could have...". When you are taking care of your own sexual needs, you are in the best, ahem, "position", to choose wisely your best mates. You can take your time and make lists of your ideal mate/s' qualities. You won't get complacent and settle for incompatible or inappropriate partners. When you allow someone else to be your primary source of orgasms or sexual pleasure, you give your power away, including your power to choose and be picky. 
 And when you give your power away, not only do you make yourself less attractive to those who would give you much pleasure and less stress and heartache, but you also attract like energy - settling energy - people who will affirm your belief that this is all that is immediately available to you - someone who can provide a few seconds of pleasure for you, but not more than that and not without giving you an ulcer, or distracting you from being your best.
 Look to the San Diego pod, led in part by Kamala Devi and her poly spouse Michael McClure, who ever year produce the wonderful "Polypalooza", teaching high level relationship, communication, and other self-actualization skills. You can learn more about them and their work at
 The reason I mentioned them is because I attended Julio Cortes's workshop on how to date non-poly if you're poly, which happened right after my own workshop, in the same room, at the 10th Annual Poly Living Conference - Philadelphia (Feb 20-22), and he gave a major plug to the San Diego pod. He said their relationship sophistication is on "scientific level" and what most piqued my interest was this idea that being very careful about choosing your lovers should be the most important thing in your dating life.
 This intrigued me because we are often so lax about choosing. As long as the persun isn't a serial killer sometimes seems to be enough, especially if you have a busy stressful life and aren't looking for a serious commitment, just regular pleasure and occasional companionship. 
 I really appreciated hearing this and it has completely shifted my perspective on dating, even on a casual basis. I am now taking the time to think about what I really want and I feel a shift in my energy field, because it is now making the space to receive that.
 One of the greatest ways to empower yourself as a lover, regardless of your relationship status, is to be interdependently self-contained. This means having as many of your own most essential needs met while still being humyn and vulnerable and imperfect enough to need others. After all, we are meant to need each other.
 And one of the best ways to be more self-contained is to be your own best primary partner. Ironically, being so complete, in a loving and inclusive way, will also make you most attractive to your ideal mates.
Also, when you are having regular orgasms that you give yourself (or if you choose to self-pleasure and not orgasm - a spiritual form of celibacy that is very spiritually potent - I did this for months in the early 2000s, and it significantly sharpened my psychic senses), you glow as if you are with child or have been high raw vegan for weeks - which of course is also very attractive!
 Take care of your own most essential needs, including sexual, and you'll find your life turning around in miraculous ways, in and out of the bedroom. (And for much more wonderful info on the self-empowering and other benefits of "selfloving", as coined by the "Mother of Masturbation" herself, Betty Dodson, visit her and her collaborator Carlin Ross's website L'chaim!

You can view my "Soulmate Attraction" series and my other personal growth article archives at or ( for short)!

Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier
(aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls)
“renaissance negresse & ARTrepreneur”
(musician/writer/actress/fine artist)
Leeway Transformation Award-Winning founder & executive director of the Black Women’s Arts Festival (Est. 2003) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002). 
Visit the Cassendre Xavier Music Gallery at CD Baby: 
Visit Cassendre's iTunes storefront:
Visit Cassendre's Amazon song singles page:
Official website:

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