Sunday, December 4, 2016
Friday, November 18, 2016
I really enjoy how the higher in status and more improved in service a submissive gets, is reflected in a reduction of title and removal of the privilege of comforts for non-submissives. It's totally delightful to me, and comes as a surprise as many moments of this D/s (or other spiritual) journey goes.
Monday, August 22, 2016
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Sunday, July 24, 2016
I enjoyed Myself last night with a new friend. At one point as he hopped up from the bed to go out of the room for a minute, he stopped to appreciate My ass as I was belly down resting from a recent series of medium sized orgasms (which happen when I'm squirting and pissing but aren't the "big O"). As he playfully kissed, licked, and prodded My asshole, he stopped and exclaimed, "Oh my god, your ass is great!" I asked him what he meant by that, as being smaller of booty and being a great admirer of large ones, I always like to know what is meant by a "great" ass when it's smaller!
I said, "Guys always like to rim Me, but I just figured I attract guys who are into rimming."
"No," he reiterated, "You have a fantastic ass."
I asked him to tell Me again, "Well, what makes it fantastic, what about it exactly."
"Well," he began, "I don't have to fight and force the cheeks open, I can get at it easily, and there's not a bunch of hair there."
I had no idea My, um, rather, modest padding was an ASS-et!
Knowing I'd be posting this, I asked him later to write more to Me about this. And here's what he wrote:
"You want me to qualify your ass in list form:
First is form:
It has a wonderful shape
It has a pleasing smoothness on your cheeks and in your crack
Your hole has a wonderful symmetry and lovely color
And it don't taste bad either
I can only make the analogy to a bottle of Mexican coca cola great hand feel nice sweetness and no high fructose corn syrup.
In retrospect I should have gotten some pics.
In the future I will call your anus cookie and make the appropriate cookie monster nom nom eating sounds"
I did no editing as his writing reflects the playful nature that added to My pleasure last night.
Thanks for listening. :)
© Copyright 2016 by Amrita Waterfalls (the sexy side of Cassendre Xavier aka Endowed Goddess). All rights reserved. Visit http://cassEndrExavier.com
Monday, July 4, 2016
Monday, July 4, 2016
TABLE OF CONTENTS
1) WHO IS AMRITA WATERFALLS
2) EROTICA, PORN, OR PORNOGRAPHY?
3) BECOMING AN EROTIC ARTIST (FINDING YOUR VOICE, RELEASING FEAR, DOING YOUR WORK, CELEBRATING YOUR LIFE)
4) MENTAL ILLNESS, TRAUMA & SEXUALITY
CONTENTS OF TABLE
1) WHO IS AMRITA WATERFALLS
My birth, legal, and primary professional name is Cassendre Xavier. I consider myself a "multi-media healing artist," community cultural arts organizer and event producer, and am a recipient of a $15,000 award for my "work in art and social change". I create under several pseudonyms: Amrita Waterfalls (erotic writing and images), Amethyste Rah (spiritual guided meditation recordings), and Endowed Goddess (erotic videos and images). I have been a member of Philadelphia's LGBTQIP (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, intersexed, polyamorous) as well as that city's leather/BDSM/kink communities since 1991. I am also a child sexual and physical abuse survivor with a lifelong eating disorder, Bipolar 2, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I believe in sharing all of my life as a late bloomer with major challenges, and what has worked for me in my life that has been most joyful. The word "amrita" is Sanskrit for "nectar" or "ambrosia" and is known in Tantric and Taoist sexual practicing communities to have a special meaning I am too shy to write here but not too shy to write elsewhere nor show in my pics and videos! I also am a recently discovered Domme (or sexually Dominant Womon), with several years of experience training as a submissive in my early days of kink. Now that I've said that, you will understand why I will be using capital letters when discussing Myself.
My primary teachers and mentors in progressive sexuality have been:
Betty Dodson, Ph.D ("Mother of Masturbation", artist, sex educator, author)
Kamala Devi (Tantric author, coach, author, and workshop presenter)
Nina Hartley (Adult Entertainer, nurse, author, speaker)
Sharon Mitchell, Ph.D (Former Adult Entertainer, health advocate)
Annie Sprinkle, Ph.D (Adult Entertainer, author, artist)
I appreciate your being here as My audience and self-sexuality adventure partner. Welcome to My lair!
2) EROTICA, PORN, OR PORNOGRAPHY?
I was curious recently to know the difference between erotica and porn. I looked it up on the internets and found that both refer to sexually explicit material, but the latter is designed to illicit a physical, erotic response. I then decided that I am and always have been interested in the latter only, as I feel the former is a waste of time. Why would I wish to spend time looking at, listening to, or viewing sexually explicit material without My panties getting wet or My clit throbbing? No thanks! I believe this is why everything I write, or take pictures of, or video record, is a turn-on to Myself and those who view them. I'm not aware that My intention is always to do so, but I am pleased when I receive feedback that that was the result. (Although I've never been interested in "tributes" – wherein men ejaculate on an image of an object of their erotic affections, keyword there being "object", I do enjoy hearing from them that a writing, still or video image of Myself made them hard. I especially like when I hear that they then must, um, "take care" of their "special condition" shortly afterwards. This pleases Me greatly. I adore having this affect on people. What I don't adore is the word "pornography". While I consider Myself a feminist, and I dislike soooo much of what is now in the so-called "porn industry", the word pornography brings to My mind so much that is negative about erotically stimulating materials. All of this negativity added to My already significant guilt and shame over My erotic thoughts and feelings as a persun who was sexually abused growing up and also as a persun reared in a fundamentalist Christian home.
I also don't like the word "porn" insofar as what it brings to My mind: images of straight white men jacking off way too much to images that are totally fake and featuring wimmin whose sadness, hopelessness, and desperation are clearly visible in their eyes. I don't believe in that idea of "porn" either. Perhaps I'll have to create a word or phrase that means what I am doing with my erotic work, because I and My appreciative and expressive audience know that it is good.
3) BECOMING AN EROTIC ARTIST (FINDING YOUR VOICE, RELEASING FEAR, DOING YOUR WORK, CELEBRATING YOUR LIFE)
One of my favorite things to do is inspire and encourage others on My path. I believe that within anyone's immediate network, neighborhood, or community, are at least 15 people who identify with and/or want, and/or going through the same thing or something similar to what you are. So it's our job to, if called to, share what we're going through and what we've learned on our journey.
If you are interested in becoming an erotic artist (whatever that means to you), here are some issues you may run into, and that I have gone through, and dealt with.
Finding Your Voice: You won't know what your voice is until you begin to speak and practice speaking. That could be by writing, or by recording yourself via audio or video, or by your fine arts, as Betty Dodson did in the beginning. In the beginning she was a visual artist (as she still is) and had an erotic arts showing. That exhibit was the beginning of a lot for her, and her work continues to this day.
Most of us erotic artists found our way here out of a combination of needing to share our erotic journey, to build a community because we needed answers and we also wanted to share what we'd learned so as to help others through their difficulties in becoming joyful, healthy, fully self-actualized and self-expressive beings with physical bodies. That is our right. We are naturally creative, and like all humyns (except those who identify as non-masturbating asexual), we are sexual beings. So we blend the two along with our community building or activism work.
Begin to speak. One of my earliest angel readings informed Me that I was to use my "voice" and the reader told Me that meant not only to sing, but to speak, and also to write. I took that to heart and when I began releasing all of My fears, I realized it was time to finally come out of the erotic closet and begin sharing My truths and experiences.
I am finding My voice only through practice. I didn't start out with a firm idea of what I wanted to say or focus on exactly. But I knew I had ideas and that I felt passionate about them. I learned about style of delivery by looking at the erotic artists (many of them the mentors and teachers I mentioned in My bio above), and picked and chose from some of their styles what I wanted to emulate. I also drew from other mentors and teachers from my path of self-growth, including some of My primary spiritual teachers – who, not surprisingly are female authors who are also musicians and who also have a vast amount of guided meditation recordings. The fact that I am all of these things is absolutely no coincidence.
Know that you are guided on this path. Sexual energy is creative energy, one of the most powerful forces there is. It is 100% at your availability the instant you decide to take your first step.
You will not be alone. There are many of us on this path, and we are thrilled to have you along, because we know that your voice will reflect in the hearts of the many you are called to serve through your work.
Focus on making yourself happy. Many successful artists say "Please yourself first.
- SARK, or "Write what you want to read." –Toni Morrison. Don't try to fit into a mold. Be your own mold, and then break free from even that. Keep growing and allow change. As long as you stay joyful and please yourself through your work, it will resonate with your present and future audience.
Release fear. It has nothing to do with your work, except as providing a test for you to pass and become stronger and more effective as an erotic artist. Fear is your helper in that is a weight to help you kick ass and better serve your art and your audience. Anything else is harmful. Don't let it do that.
These tips should help you get started, and know that once you begin and try and enjoy and release fear, you'll be celebrating your life in full, in ways you hadn't expected and receive gifts you'd never expected.
4) MENTAL ILLNESS, TRAUMA & SEXUALITY
I think one of the greatest mistakes people with a mental health diagnosis do when it comes to having a wonderful and healthy erotic life is have low expectations.
When it comes to partnersex, we don't think we're "normal" or deserving enough to attract compatible or enjoyable partners.
Another mistake we make is not taking adequate care of our mental health. Either we're in denial, or we're ashamed, but we're just not diligent nor interested in addressing our mental health issues.
When it comes to trauma, we may be too hurt to even function let alone thrive, and this is in daily living and life skills, not even dealing with relationships or partnersex.
The only solution I've found in all three situations are increasing self-love and making self-care paramount.
Sometimes it takes a major crisis to bring us to a point where we realize this is a must.
In My case it took finally entering a homeless shelter after years of financial under-earning and dependence upon family, lovers, and friends. Although I was diagnosed in My early 20s and in occasional psychiatric care and/or on medication since since then, the denial that is typical of one with My condition (bipolar disorder – BPD) along with the shame I had of having "something wrong with My brain", kept Me from applying for disability when my first therapist suggested it, and from making other changes to My lifestyle that would have supported Me as the being I was, and allowed Me to live independently and healthfully as a persun with a totally manageable illness.
Often times, even when major crises bring us to this point, the healing and progress can be immense. When I entered shelter, I was then aligned with many social service agencies who are helping Me with My goals of receiving social security disability benefits and stable, affordable, subsidized housing. Am I ashamed of telling you these things? I won't lie – it's a little embarrassing. But am I proud of doing so? Absolutely! Because I know I'm not the only one, and in speaking about it I release your shame as well.
Like guilt, shame has absolutely no place in our minds, let alone our boudoirs.
When we can learn to take care of ourselves, first fully accepting our conditions, then we can not only live well with proper management, receiving support however we need it (because we love ourselves and believe ourselves to be worthy of receiving it – and also because we are no longer afraid nor ashamed, so we feel free to ask for such help), we can then also show the way to others on a similar path.
No matter what your condition, your soul was never wounded, and you are free, loving, and worthy of the kind of life you want – and that includes your ideal and self-chosen sex life. This is a worthy endeavor, not only for the good you will do yourself, but the good you will do for others in your life. I fully believe and exemplify that!
The Erotic Side of Cassendre Xavier
Ⓒ 2016 by Cassendre Xavier (writing as Amrita Waterfalls). All rights reserved. http://amritawaterfalls.blogspot.com.
[Photo: "Green Satin Invitation" self-portrait by Cassendre Xavier]
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Are men really that un-creative and that un-savvy that they (you) can think of no other way to showcase something sexy about your body?
This is why I really adore men's profile pics and galleries that are of something other than that usually insignificant piece of flesh hanging down below.
The only time I'm interested in seeing that is:
a) When I have a very strong connection with a man, and
b) When, ironically, his pics usually are absent of phallus
Then, and only then, do I want to engage with it, including with mine own two eyeball sockets.
Gentlemen, be sexier than that. Put it away and show your sexiness other ways!
Endowed Goddess (Amrita Waterfalls)
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Monday, May 2, 2016
on a toilet
twiddling her slick
coconut oil & glycerined
squirting jets of clear
sweet sweet fluid
makes small and
sounds as it
hits the tile
then wipes the floor off
before she leaves
for a day
© 2016 by Cassendre Xavier (aka Amrita Waterfalls, aka Endowed Goddess). All rights reserved. Buy my music at Spotify! Listen to it, plus spoken word guided meditations on Bandcamp (Official website http://cassendrexavier.com)
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Recently I found out something about myself: I hate being teased. I really don't like it.
I never had to deal with too much of it because I'm so demanding sexually (and it took me til I was 46 to find out I was sexually Dominant!), that I simply haven't allowed a partner to continue doing whatever he's doing to slow down my buzz. The only slight exception is my late partner TT, who I now realize was my Daddy. I was more submissive with and/or giving to him because of his caretaking nature. I also allowed him to delay my orgasms because I knew he enjoyed pleasuring me so much, and I didn't want to deny him that. When someone gives you a lot (in this case, comfort, semi-security (no such thing as security outright), and pleasure, you tend to want to give them a lot in return.
But other than that, I hate being teased. I hate it. I don't know why. I think it's maybe just my impatience, or the fact that when I'm receiving sexual pleasure, I just want to keep receiving it. Ohhhh! I just had a breakthrough!!!! I want to control when I cum!
When I am receiving pleasure (and by the way, I'm a multi-orgasmic squirter whose primary sex is receiving oral for hours. I'm a pillow Queen, not princess, and can go on for several hours, with breaks for rest or food), I choose how fast, slow, or medium my arousal is. I can either get off within 20 minutes of receiving oral, then take a break and do it again in the next couple of hours - this time taking longer. Or I can go slow from the very beginning. I know how to slow it down - I simply switch up the action. I might stop the cunnilingus and flip over for rimming. That will calm down and soften my clit a little bit. Similar to the guy's version of calming his erection to give his partner more prolonged pleasure. Men think of baseball - I flip onto my tummy for my partner to lick my asshole.
Or, I may start to rub my inner thighs on the sides of his face, or as I do with My slave 2, run my toes through his hair, or otherwise involve my legs and feet…This prolongs the play and slows me down so I don't cum more quickly than I want to.
I may present my armpits for my partner to lick, sniff and kiss. With the right guy I may busy myself pleasuring the both of us with his cock in my mouth.
All of these and more are some ways I choose to slow down my arousal and prolong my orgasm until I'm good and ready for it.
And that's the diff and the rub: I am choosing it. My choice. Me.
That's why it doesn't feel like teasing. I'm controlling it. So it feels good.
I think it's an extension and expression of My Natural Dominance that I have only in the last year or so discovered I also have in the bedroom (who knew?!). I don't like being teased because it takes away my tendency to want to control how I experience sex. I know how I want to feel, what I want to feel, for how long I want to feel it.
A partner is free to improvise so long as it doesn't affect my control of the pace of my arousal. Since my partner doesn't know what that is, it's best for me to lead it. And that can't happen if there's obvious, prolonged teasing going on.
I'm not talking about when My slave 2 goes down on me in what he and I call "Zen" style, and is enjoying himself so much I actually start experiencing it as teasing. That's not teasing. I'm talking about a lover on purpose licking and sucking my nipples, running his fingers up and down my arms, and doing everything he possibly can to prolong the main event, which is planting his fucking mouth where it belongs - clamped right over my pussy! That's where it should be, so any delay is completely unacceptable!
I'm not saying I want a hello, handshake, and then lips wrapped around my clit. I'm saying I want to get in bed, do some full body contact, then have my body stroked a bit, nipples sucked, then kissed from there to the main event, and then it's on. That's the script, Daddy O! I'll take it from there!
I realized another kind of teasing I dislike: Flirtatious and flattering comments from men who are either too far away to meet OFFline, and also from men who are not available to otherwise ("taken" as the non-polyamorous say).
When I start getting really nice comments on my pics, videos and writings, I pay attention and go to their profile. If they're far ass away, I'm all disappointed. If they're not available, again - bummed.
I think I know why I do this. It's something else I learned about myself through BDSM recently:
I'm a creator. That means I make things happen. I don't just sit on the sidelines and hope and wait and wish and then hope and wait again.
I think a lot of people on xhamster and FetLife like to just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.
I like to write and fuck and make beauty and write and make music and make love and write and enjoy life and work and sleep and eat and make love and enjoy orgasms and write and write and write some more. And by writing I don't mean comments on people's profiles and other content.
I mean writing here, there, and everywhere other eyes can read my words and be positively stimulated, hopefully titillated, and definitely inspired.
I aim to uplift, from the heart and soul to the mind and gonads. Uplifting can be an erection, of penile, clitoral, or nipple tissue. It's all the same.
I still welcome positive comments from far away admirers. Just letting you know how I feel about the situation and that I don't like to be teased :)
So, that's why I don't engage in messaging, cam, chat, kik, or skype. Because there's such a thing as Craiglist and FetLife, where I can meet people in real life to enjoy the way people far away and otherwise unavailable comment that they wish they could.
Cruel, and beautiful life. Perfect setting for the kinkster! 😋
© 2016 by Amrita Waterfalls (aka Endowed Goddess). All rights reserved.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Dear Amrita Waterfalls Readers!
It just occurred to me that I don't have to wait until I've had a formal essay or diary entry completed, or have prepared a book excerpt to post here - that perhaps it might be a good idea to just say hello from time to time. I check this account several times a day and there's no sign of that except the tiny bit of occasional correspondence I do.
Remember, my favorite mode of contact is through commenting on my wall. And my favorite way to hear from you, my audience, is from comments on my content here (pics, writings, videos).
Please don't be offended if I don't use this site as many others do. I have a very busy schedule and spend most of my energy on that and on my personal and professional relationships.
However, that includes that which I have with my readership and also my musical listening audience (I'll include relevant links at the end of this message...)
So, let's see... What do I want to say today?
I think when you love something, you have more patience with it than you would with anything else, and you fight and push and struggle sometimes with it, whereas with something else, you would've thrown in the towel long ago.
I think this is how I feel about xhamster and FetLife - to whom I am addressing (as well as sending a copy to my erotic blog: http://amritawaterfalls.blogspot.com).
I have so much going on in my life right now - so much. I am working on some serious goals, and making progress all the time, and I deal with a pretty severe mood disorder plus trauma aftereffects that make every day life pretty darn challenging. Just being around people is a major pain in mine arsal reggiones these days, and because of how my life is structured right now, I'm around a lot of people every. Single. Day. I hate it.
This is why I so love my solitude, and the few hours a week or month I get to spend with a lover, playmate, and/or erotic friend. These days it's even a challenge to see friends, and as far as seeing family of origin goes, well, that takes months to gear up for!
Anyway, when I'm going through a rough time emotionally, there's very little outside of my day to day obligations I have the energy or interest for. But there's always room, time, and energy to write - always. Music is my art and my work but writing is my medicine, my craft, and my joy. I feel like Barbra Streisand, who has always felt like an actress who sings, but whom the world has always seen as a singer who acts. I feel like a writer who's seen as a singer, and who feels she "should" be a successful one - whatever that means.
Anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah, sex ;)
I go to xhamster and FetLife no matter how I feel emotionally.
But what's been bumming me out and bringing me down is the little things that make it not fun sometimes - the messages when I've asked for only comments - and requested NO messages. The friend invites from people with cock pics as their avatars. I had to finally decided and post in my profile that I'm no longer accepting friend requests from those. I don't want to see cock pics at all, let alone all the time and on my own beautiful profile.
I'm highly annoyed by messages from 20-somethings who want to cam and chat and correspond and kik and skype, ALL of which I say on my profile that I DON'T do.
So today I realized I really want to be on xhamster and FetLife. I know this because normally I'd be gone! But I want to stay and tweak my profile to minimize these occurrences.
I also can see that I want to be at both sites because I was able to immediately recognize that:
Messages have reduced significantly since I updated my profile requesting comments only and NO messages. So some people ARE reading, paying attention, and honoring my request!
I don't feel overwhelmed when I think about the prospect of revising my profile as needed. I feel calm and somewhat excited about it. That's a good sign!
I don't see an end in sight insofar as my work of this sort goes. I'm here to work on sexual writing (erotica, pornography, sexuality, all with feminist and spiritual sensibilities and with special focus on various other issues including recovery from abuse/addiction; sobriety, eating disorders, mental health issues such as bipolar disorder and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, recovery from religious oppression and homophobia - all issues I have dealt with and continue to deal with…), and I am so happy and eager to have and use these two venues at this time. If at such a time others present themselves as better venues for my writing, I will switch to them, but for now, I'm putting my energies into using the forums of xhamster, FetLife, and blogspot for my sexual writing.
That said, I hope you're enjoying your sex life!
Remember that an orgasm a day keeps the doctors away, and a smile for everyone, helps everyone!
Play safe and thanks for listening ;)
Oh, here's the music stuff I promised ya :)
Remember, you can always hear my music online at CD Baby: http://www.cdbaby.com/all/cassendre
And you can also hear them, plus my spoken word guided meditations at Bandcamp: http://cassendrexavier.bandcamp.com
If you have a Spotify account (downloads there are 90% of my musical download income!), you can find my music here: http://bit.ly/1qD2fdY (Source: https://play.spotify.com/artist/4RMYa6grnyPucTtytI8JI6?play=true&utm_source=open.spotify.com&utm_medium=open)
Everything else, including my blogs, both erotic and non, can be found at my official website http://cassendrexavier.com
NOW, I'll say g'night, and thanks for your continued support of my art/work, and therefore, life,
Amrita Waterfalls aka Endowed Goddess
© 2016 by Amrita Waterfalls (aka Cassendre Xavier). All rights reserved.